We all do it.
Well, most of us from time-to-time anyway.
We reference things from our high school days wishing we could be like that again.
Whether it’s a full head of hair or the ideal weight for our steadily diminishing height.
I think back now, honestly, not for any youthful physical markers, but for my ability to effortlessly do absolutely nothing.
And do it without a second thought.
When the spring term was over and we were released for our summer vacation, I remember walking out of the school building into the early May sun, arms raised, fists pumping the air to celebrate the complete freedom of summer.
I would rise at the crack of 11:00 AM with the day’s only appointment to bike up to the city pool and hang out with my friends to do…nothing.
And after dinner the schedule was the same.
My parents would ask, “What did you do today…?”
“Nothin’”
“What are you going to do tonight…?”
“Nothin’”
Fortunately, then, we would all laugh.
How is it that now, after a successful career spanning nearly half a century, I walked out the door to retirement into the early May sun without the same jubilant celebration?
Maybe back then I viewed summer vacation as the reward for my labor. That’s why I could do whatever I wanted because after all, “I earned it.”
Endless hours spent poolside, watching TV, cruising the boulevard, laughing with my buddies on deep, old, shady front porches occupied my time back then.
And it was marvelous.
As guilt free as a salad for lunch.
No second thoughts about things that I “should” be doing.
I was on break so, I took a break.
Now, I can’t shake the persistent feeling that I “should” be doing something useful.
All the freakin’ time.
Why haven’t I earned “nothing” again?
The voice in my head is relentless, always saying, “Don’t be a sluggard, come on, make a list, get cracking boy, you need to do something productive, or you just don’t matter.”
So, I’m asking myself, matter to who?
I need to believe again that doing nothing is still OK. That it’s valuable time to process things and be present in the world around me. To quietly watch sunlight and shadow travel slowly across the ceiling, listen to an album the whole way through, not just the hit song, or to spend the whole day on an unbillable whim.
For so long I’ve treated time as a vessel to fill to the rim with other people’s priorities, but now I need to see what it can give back to me if I just learn to let it be.
Maybe when you’re a kid people around you don’t expect much of you, and then when you’re old you expect too much.
Maybe it’s time to re-focus my rubric for what defines a productive day using my high school vision as the model for guilt free living.
In the morning I’ll sit on the back patio with my coffee, my dog and our new hummingbird friend, and together we will celebrate it as time well spent.
Nothing doing.
